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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot