My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Your fianc茅 gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 馃檨
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
When cows do it, it鈥檚 Reverse Girlcow
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It鈥檚 like he stood there and thought about it.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don鈥檛 have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.