Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”