*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
You Might Also Like
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
At least he brought enough for everyone
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”