Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You Might Also Like
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!