Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.