When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
This made me chuckle.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think