I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
You Might Also Like
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please