News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort