“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
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Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.