‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.