When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
🦝🔥🦝🔥
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.