This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
You Might Also Like
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”