I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Good morning!
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
technically true but not a great slogan
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!