Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato