Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Dead sexy!!
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
🙋♀️
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.