If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
first you must answer his riddles
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell