If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
the three branches of government
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.