“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked