You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
This did not end as expected.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?