I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
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I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.