Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.