my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
(True)
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”