(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Time is precious, waste it wisely.