Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
reduce, reuse, recycle