Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.