this will hang in the louvre one day
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun