[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You Might Also Like
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.