My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
do horses think humans are hats