“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
one last job
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager