Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.