Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me :
All Day At Night
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
This anagram machine is out of order.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White