If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’