When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
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me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Blew out my flip flop…
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
lmfao
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Perfect