If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
You Might Also Like
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS