Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying