“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.