*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
i did the math
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.