Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.