Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
anyone else like Italian cereal
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime