*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A wise man once said nothing.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.