Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.