“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”