Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
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My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes