Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
life finds a way
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My favorite female superhero
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.