WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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need him
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.