Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
This dude got his own movie?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.