One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”