Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
yeah no that’s fair
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Someone just threatened to call me later
why isn’t thunder called soundning
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: