If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
work smarter, not harder
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.