I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Twitter fine art
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.